Friday, January 9, 2009

Sometimes you just have to let it out

"If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?"- This question was posted over at My Rambling Thoughts by The Rambler for her Think About It Thursdays post and it struck a cord with me.

For a few years now my own mortality has been on my mind, its inevitable because the older we get the more people we know and love seem to depart, so I often ask myself this very question. If I were to go would my children know just how much I really love them, have I done enough to show how much I appreciate all the hardwork Mark does on a daily basis and how grateful I am to him for allowing me the opportunity to stay home with our son? I am not so good at being as grateful as I should be and I know that as of lately I seem to be building a wall to keep out the bad, but in keeping out the bad I'm also keeping out the good.

Sometimes my survival instinct takes control and I shut myself off, but I mean seriously after all the stuff that has gone on, sometimes its just easier to try to be numb. I still feel the emotions I just try not to let them out, which is bad bad bad. So in an effort to cleanse my soul and open up again let me get heavy for a moment.

Here goes...I was raised by my grandmother, she was a hard woman, not affectionate unless you were an infant, rarely ever gave praise and she and I fought about everything until the day I moved out. She did what she could to provide a stable home for me and I regret the way I treated her. She passed very quickly in April of 2007, and I didn't get to say goodbye while she was still concious, if I could have I would have told her that she was more of a mom to me than my own and I love her with all of my heart and I am so honored to have been her granddaughter, she taught me more than I ever thought was possible and without her I would not be who I am.

My father was not around growing up, he was a drug addict and alcoholic and the most abusive man I have ever known, I watched him do some horrific things to my mom and even though I witnessed these things from the ages of 1 to 5 I still have a very clear memory of it all. He killed himself when I was 17, his kidneys were failing along with his liver and he decided on Christmas eve to pop as many pain killers as possible and drink one last beer, that was it. If I could have talked to him I would have told him that even though he made mistakes and even though he caused me and many others pain, he was still my father and I will always love him and wish that I could have known him and that underneath everything he was trying to escape he still had a good heart.

My mom, well, more like a sister or best friend, she and I had a unique relationship. I was the mom and she was the daughter for almost my whole life. She and I had somewhat of a falling out around March/April in 2008, you see she had an unreal amount of guilt when my grandma died, she was tormented by all that she had done to my grandma. In March of last year my mom went missing for 2 weeks, I thought she was dead, I almost wished that she was at the time because it was better than what she had really been doing. My mother was also a drug addict. She decided to go and live with someone crazy woman and her family, quit her job and just disappear to get high. I was beyond crushed when she finally called me acting like nothing was wrong. I told her I wanted nothing to do with her, that she would never see me or her grandkids ever again, that she was done breaking my heart. I refused to speak to her for months every time she called I let my phone go to voicemail, some messages she left were as if nothing at all were wrong (she was high), other messages she would plead with me to please call. Finally my step father called and said she was in really bad shape, so I finally talked to her. A week later she ended up in the hospital. She never would tell me exactly what was wrong with her, she was very vague so I just assumed it was drug withdrawls and in the end I was right. My mother committed suicide on August 29th, 2008, so-called accidental overdose, there was a note though, her last thoughts and a good-bye saying she would be able to take care of me better from heaven. I saw her 2 weeks to the day before she died at my cousins wedding. She was in bad shape and I had a feeling that the end was near, but I let my anger get the best of me and I shut her out and didn't stay but maybe 15 minutes with her. I think she knew that I loved her, I just wish I could have been stronger for her. I know that nothing I could say or do would have stopped her, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't have liked the chance to try. I am constantly being told not to beat myself up and I don't I just have big wishes that I know will never come true. So, to my mom I would have said if given the chance- I love you, I know you did the best you could and that you were sick and because of your sickness you weren't as available to me and I'm ok, I'm healing and will continue to heal and most of all I forgive you.

If I died tonight I want all of my family and friends to know I love them and I wish sometimes I could be better at expressing it.

I know my story was heavy, but sometimes I just have to let it out...


  1. I know (almost) exactly how you feel. My circumstances growing up are very similar to your own. Some relationships are toxic, and you have to remove yourself from them so they don't tear YOU down, and prevent you from living a productive life. Don't feel bad about that. I'm sure you have plenty of friends you can talk to, but please know that if you ever need someone completely outside of your situation to talk to, I'm just an email away....

  2. Mes, I think that is one of the best posts you have done! To me it was the most REAL! While I have not had the same things happen to me I have watched you go through them and I know life hasn't been easy (to say it lightly). Take this and go with it, let your heart heal, forgive them and forgive your self!! Love you girl! Let the GOOD in!!

  3. I have to agree with Marylin this has been I feel one of your best post. Not meaning content but your emotions were felt through by your words.

    I wish we lived closer I would say lets go have coffee, talk, shop. Anything. To show a physical support system. And like AngieS, I'm also just an email away.

    Really glad we've become pals through our blogs. This post has just risen my admiration for the woman you are!

    Big HUGS! Muah!

  4. Wow! That was pretty intense. I was just a young kid always interested in bragging about my beautiful and cool older cousin. It's crazy to get an idea of what you went through. Grandma knew you loved her and I'm sure your mom did to! I know I do. Love you forever

  5. Thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry for your recent losses, but am happy for your strength and ability to stay stable and optimistic, this is something you will pass on to your children.
    I have a feeling your mom was right when she said, she would take better care of you from heaven....I truly feel she has taken a role of guardian angel. She is free from her demons, and is at a peace she never knew in life.
    I think it is not important that they know we loved them, because there is that bond that needs no words. You just feel it and they know it.
    You should not carry any burdens from this, as these things have lead you to the wonderful life you have now. The family and friends you have with you still. It is the past and you can build strength from it. You writing it shows you are ready to release it from your shoulders, to stop carrying it inside.
    Thanks again for sharing, I know how hard it is to throw "the inside" words out there for all to see.....

  6. Mesa,

    I am so sorry for all the pain you have been through, and all of you recent losses. I agree with Kalei that you will pas on your strength to your children, because you are so strong.

    I also agree with the Rambler, I wish we could go get coffee and talk, but like AngieS said, I am also an email away. (Everyone said it first- no fair!) But I digress...

    I'm so glad I happened to stumble across your blog that one day, and we became blogging friends. Your positive attitude and honesty is an inspiration to me.

  7. Wow, what a story! Thank you so much for opening up about your life to us. Though I know it is not easy, sometimes it is more of a relief getting it out. Anytime you need someone to chat with, send me an email. I will be here for you:)

  8. I admire you for overcoming your past. It is as it is, but you have so much going for you, like learning from that and making the best life you can.

  9. "...she and I had a unique relationship. I was the mom and she was the daughter for almost my whole life..."

    ...sounds familiar...
    thank you for writing about this (these?) difficult topics. I don't know why things happen the way they do, but I'm still learning to not need to know. Hard.