Strength..where does it come from?

I have been taking a positive Psych course for the last 8 weeks and for most of the last 8 weeks I have been a bitter betty. I would read my fellow classmates postings about how they are gaining so much insight about positive this and positive that and all I could do was make horrible scornful remarks in my head. I used to be the eternal optimist and slowly but surely life stuff happened and my optimisim has begun to go down the tubes. Which leaves me asking the question...when things get so SHI**Y and I just don't want to move and all I want is to cry for days and not move (I know I said that already), where does the strength come from?

My hubs lost his job last Thursday...the economy finally came and took the safety net away and my hubs was "laid off". I am now the bread winner at a whopping 9.00 an hour. Did I mention we have bills to pay and mouths to feed? We have been fortuante to have lasted as long as we did without suffering too badly, but now I am scared..like really really scared. Again, I have pulled strength from somewhere to get my happy butt up and out of bed and working to keep it together. Last week in my positive Psych course was the fostering HOPE week, I had to create a slide show presentation about fostering HOPE. How do you foster something that feels so far away? Well I did it somehow.

I am grateful for little moments in my past that will surface just when I need reminding of something, does that ever happen to anyone else? You're driving yourself crazy over something and all of a sudden you'll recall a comment or a conversation and it will magically put things into perspective....Well look at that I'm being positive for a moment... I guess it's still in me somewhere...

I am still alive

I have no excuse for being an absent blogger. Well actually I do, it's the same one work, school, family. It has been quite the rollar coaster ride since June. I enjoy my job, I am still doing ok in school and still butting heads with my professors ;-). I have changed my major to psychology professor, I don't know if I could be a full time advice/listener, but who knows I may feel differently later. Family life is good, Nate is really good at the terrible two's so much so that I am ready to throw in the towel..I surrender to what once was my sweet angel boy and has now become the devil, who by the way doesn't like me anymore and only wants his daddy. Everyone says this is normal, all I know is that it freaking sucks!

I miss having the free time to blog..I'm supposed to be doing a paper right now but I have writer's block kind of. I have a new respect for the women out there that work full time, have babies and a husband and animals and friends, I am struggling to keep my head above water and not go crazy everyday. God made us strong for a reason, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

I have a new tattoo artist which I'm excited about, now maybe I can go back to using ink as my therapy! Nothing like getting that endorphin rush..and yes I know I can get that rush other ways like exercising.. :-). Well that's all for now I hope to be back to blogging more soon. Thanks for following me still :).

To My Son..

My Dearest Nathen,

I know you are too little to read this right now because you are 2, but I wanted to write it anyway so that when you are older you can read this... I know the last few weeks have been very hard, I know it's tough having to go to a strangers house and be around other kids that you don't know for 9 hours a day. I promise it won't be this way forever. I miss you everyday you're there and I wish more than anything that you could be here with me, but I promise it won't be this way forever. I wish there was a way to help you understand and to make your days easier, hopefully in time it won't be so bad..I feel horrible, I hope you can forgive mommy for having to leave you and I hope I can forgive myself...I love you so much baby boy and I promise it won't be this way forever...

I love you Nate..

Always,
Mommy

BIG HUGS

To all of you in bloggyland that left me such sweet comments and very good advice about how to find friends, you will never know just how appreciated you truly are in my book!

I have been MIA again, busy busy bee that I am these days! I got a job, started last week, it's a work from home telecommuting job and so far it's awesome! Nate has been sick for about a week now, he has the HORRIBLE FLU, vomit, fever, and poo oh my! I'm trying to keep it away from myself, but I can feel some of it starting to come on.

Anywho..

Thanks again everybody and I must depart to go do homework and then breathe! I'll be around again soon!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

How to make friends? "pity party of 1 please"

I have no freaking idea how to make friends anymore. I don't leave my house, that would be my first problem. The problem with that is I have no where to go so why leave. It's a double edged sword. I don't go to church, I don't have a job (that allows me to leave the house that is), my son goes to a daycare, but I don't ever see other moms, I don't know of any book clubs or mommy and me groups near by and even if I did everything is so far away from me it would take anyone I did meet an hour or more just to visit me or I them, unless they live next to me, but I've seen those people and that's not happenin. Maybe I'm just too cynical nowadays, I have been lonely for so long that I am petrified of rejection. I saw a girl once at my son's peds office and she had kids about the same age as Nate and I thought to myself..why not just walk up and say hey, can we be friends?...Then I thought about how lame that sounded and felt like I was 6 again.

Remember being 5 or 6 and going to kindergarten for the first time without knowing anyone, but because you're all the same age and the teacher is there to protect you it's easy to make friends. At the age of 30, it's not so easy, for me anyway. I am out of practice when it comes to friendships, I barely speak to the friends that I did have from Las Vegas so I'm really out of practice. Maybe this is life's way of saying I am not good enough for friends, but that can't be because I'm actually A LOT of fun and I have a huge heart and love people that don't smell bad, sorry if you're stinky I just can't hang with you I have a sensitive nose..but at this point, I honestly don't care! I just wish I knew how to make a friend and keep a friend.

Ok I'm done being this pity party....... If you know of any people that need a friend send them my way, I'm not this blah I swear! :).. here are some pictures to prove it!! These are pictures of me with friends I had in Vegas....

Free at last!

Last entry was all about my Critical Thinking class and the lame-o's that were not nice. I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy to say that I am done with that course, passed with a 96% and will never have to deal with that instructor or those students (fingers crossed) ever again! I am now extremely happy with this block of classes, Psych and Ethics and both of my instructors are stellar so far and my classmates KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS! In my Psych class there is a BIO-CHEMIST and he freaking rocks, his intelligence is so refreshing and he makes me strive to be better, plus I get to pick his brain about his field and gain insight into the different pathways in the brain! Also, my psych instructor is rather eccentric but is also kick ass! He has tons of knowledge on more than just psychology and I am excited because I may be able to have him as a mentor, since I'm persuing my psych degree all the way as far as I can go...Yes I will be Dr. Mesa, PhD and maybe even call myself an actual scientist, neuroscientist that is :-).

So, that's all for now, I leave you with yet another funny video of my crazy and silly son!

Enjoy Nathen and his stinky toes....hahahahaha

Why do I?

Why do I care so much about what other people think of me? Is it human nature to want everyone to like everyone else? I was recently told that I have no heart by some of my peers in my critical thinking course, all because my view on the topic we were discussing was different from theirs. It shouldn't matter to me what they think of me, more than likely I will never meet these people face to face or even interact with them after this course, but it bugs me that out there in the world these people have judged me and found me to be guilty of, in their eyes, having no heart. My normal reaction would have been to fire back at them and argue and try to prove that yes huh I have a heart, but I just don't have that fight in me anymore. I feel resigned to the fact that people will always be judgemental and make assumptions based on another's view.

I have tried for my entire life to accept everyone, but those that are so closed minded I just shut down against. I don't get it, my mind can't comprehend being that way. It makes me wonder how they learn? I don't mean that in a condesecnding way, I actually wonder what their thought process is.

Anyway, I know I shouldn't let it get to me and I know that after an hour or so I'll get over it, it's just that in this moment, it hurts my heart. I have too much emotionality (according to my shrink), I tend to use my emotions for everything, but I am learning to actually use the critical thinking skills that I was taught through this course..lol..

I start my psych class on Monday so that should be interesting...hopefully some of my questions will be answered..the name of the course is "Why we do what we do"..lol..

to end on a light note....for your viewing pleasure..my wacky boy

Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mom,

I miss you. I think about you everyday, I sometimes go to my phone to call you and I remember I can't, and then I chide myself for not remembering. Sometimes I see you in my dreams, I wish they were happier moments, I know you feel bad for all that you missed, but it's ok. I wonder sometimes if you stop by, Nathen will look off into space and say grandma....I keep thinking that the ache will go away or that it should be easing, but no...it's still there, raw and bleeding. I was going through your things the other night looking at your pictures, I realized that I kind of have your smile, or at least I did when I was your age in the pictures. You were so beautiful and you looked so happy, I wish I could have known that part of you. Thanks by the way for keeping the Mother's Day card that I made for you when I was kid, that was really sweet to find, I never knew you kept those things. I hope you're happy where you are....wish you were here....

Happy Mother's Day mom..Love you



***To my bloggy friends that are moms..Have a very HAPPY Mother's Day!!!***

What a weekend...

Ya ever have one of those weekends where you just can't wait for it to be Monday already?? That would be how I felt Saturday and Sunday.....All I know is I am so glad it's Monday I could practically float...I guess I shouldn't complain too much, I mean I did go see X-Men Origins-Wolverine,

by myself, basically so I could drool over Hugh Jackman's muscles (sorry Mark). It really was an awesome movie, if you like X-Men that is, I was really awed by how they stuck to the true story line from the comic books and I can't wait to see what they do with next ones :) So, what could possibly have been wrong on Saturday? I mean, you'd think a day at the movies with this on the screen

would make for a great day...but, I think because Mark and I were just having a sort of off day, ya know, when you both say stuff that just drives the other one crazy, no matter how little, just made for a downer day.

Sunday started out really crappy, I woke up, made coffee, checked my emails and what do I find? Someone hacked my Ebay account, started selling crazy stuff through my account, my paypal account was frozen because of it and it has now caused a bunch of paranoia issues. I got it mostly straightened out, Ebay saw that it was a 3rd party that had hacked into it so they reversed all the fees. It just makes me feel unsafe, not that I was walking around with blinders on or anything, I know when doing stuff online you're not 100% safe, but I just was starting to feel comfy cozy a little bit. Oh well, time to close out those accounts and start all over again!

Sunday ended on an alright note, I got feedback from my instructors about my weekly grades and I'm still maintaining a low A, so yay for that :) and now it's Monday. I am going to read and clean today and be worry free :)

I've Gone Etsy!

I have a passion for baking, it calms me, makes me happy and keeps my mind occupied, when it otherwise would wander. So in honor of this passion of mine I have opened an Etsy shop where I will sell my baked yummies. My etsy shop is to the right ------>>>>> please take a look around and if you need any yummies let me know, if you're a friend and follower you get a 10% discount! By the way, my specialty is CHOCOLATE CHIP cookies, just ask Roni Stacy from RandRStacy Family in Dallas, she's on my blogroll and has a nifty button in My Buttons from Bloggyland list, she was a winner in a contest I had a few months ago and got a dozen yummy cookies and 2 purses :).

Anywho, check out my shop and let me know what you think!

XOXO